Road Rage. At some time, all of us certified automobile operators have had to deal with it. It’s a powerful force with a higher than average ability to make you scream obscenities at old women whilst simultaneously giving them the bird. Why there isn’t a section covering proper middle finger/obscenity usage in the Highway Code, I don’t know!
So, today I am going to list the things that most infuriate me when I’m out driving.
Note: Any Americans reading this, I imagine, will be fairly baffled by a lot of this so I will include links to the British Highway Code where appropriate, for your reference.
Let’s get this out of the way for starters. People who drive slowly piss me off. If the speed limit in an area is 30 mph, why do people drive at 20 or less? No word of a joke, I was recently stuck behind some old woman doing FIVE FUCKING MILES PER HOUR! Seriously, 5 mph. That isn’t an exaggeration, that is the speed she was going. To be fair she couldn’t see over the fucking steering wheel so maybe doing no more than 5 mph was a good thing BUT NOT WHEN I’M BEHIND YOU, BITCH! If you are going to drive round the corner (which she did because after taking a detour around her, popping to my mates house to pick summat up and driving back I got stuck behind her again. She’d travelled maybe 2 miles, tops.) and you intend to do it at 5 mph, why not just walk? Or get a rascal or something but get your god damn Nissan out of my damn way before I smother you with your own cardigan!
5 mph is quite fast enough, Sonny!
When the speed limit is 50, drive at 50 not 40. If it’s 30 drive at 30. If it’s 70 and you feel the need to drive at 50 use an A road and stop blocking up the inside lane on the motorway*.
If your excuse for not driving at 70 on the motorway is because you’re scared then I suggest you calmly indicate towards the hard shoulder, bring your car to a halt, step out of the car and then walk the fuck away and don’t get back in because you have no business behind the wheel. You’re making the road more dangerous for everyone with your nervous, twitchy, slow-ass driving!
In a way I can understand why old people drive slowly. It was even explained in an article on Cracked. I cannot, however, fathom why certain people buy fast, powerful cars to tootle round 10 mph below the speed limit! If you wanna do that, don’t buy a BMW Z4 or a Porsche! That just makes the rest of us hate you all the more for wasting all that power. This also applies to those old people who, for reasons known only to themselves, buy things like Mitsubishi Colts and Honda Civic R-Types. They just do not need that sort of power and it scares me a little that they have it.
This should not be happening!
* I understand that some vehicles, like trucks, are limited to 50 mph. This is the only time driving at 50 on the motorway is acceptable.
Lane Discipline is a very, very simple thing that so many people just cannot seem to grasp and it is a source of much fury for me, especially at roundabouts.
The above picture is a diagram of proper roundabout usage. The rules are very simple. I wont list them all here but you can find them here if you’re interested and don’t already know them.
Essentially, you use the right lane if you’re going right and the left if you’re going left or straight across.
If you know you’re turning right, don’t wait until the last second to move into the right hand lane. Move over as early as possible and if you are going to move over you need to, and I cannot stress this enough, USE YOUR FUCKING INDICATORS! You know, those little flashy things on the side of your car. I know it’s a huge effort to move that little control stalk up or down an inch or two and I know that it makes it harder to talk on your phone and drink your coffee but if you cut me up I reserve the right to cave in your skull with a tyre iron.
—Yes I am a massive tool!
This goes double on the Motorway. If you’re going to overtake on the motorway, you’re going to need to do a few things. 1) Check your god damn mirrors. They aren’t just there for decoration. 2) Indicate. The ideal time to indicate is a few seconds BEFORE you start to move, not when you’re already half way into the next lane. 3) When you move into the next lane, accelerate. You don’t have to hammer it up to 120 but don’t carry on driving at 52. 4) After your overtake, move back over to the left. Sitting in the middle lane is not acceptable. I don’t care that you think you’re special and I’m not interested that you may have to move back into the middle lane 10 miles down the road. When you sit in the middle lane it means people either have to undertake you (illegal) or move across two lanes to get around you. Use your fucking brain.
Oh shit that’s right, you don’t have one!
Traffic Lights and Junctions
I’m lumping these two in together as they’re very interconnected.
The most obvious thing here is what you should do when you approach a traffic light that’s red… STOP! No, having a BMW does not mean you can drive through red lights. Yes, I know you think it does but I still have that tyre iron and I’m getting pretty handy with it.
Running a red light is not only retarded and dangerous it also severely fucks things up for others using the junction. Take, for example, a box junction.
Not saying Thank You
Manners cost nothing. I don’t have to let you in at a slip road or let you out of a side street but I do, as I’m a courteous driver, and all I want is a thank you. A little wave in the rear view, a flash of the headlights, anything that shows that you appreciate that I gave you right of way when I didn’t have to. For me, rudeness is a cardinal sin, one that should certainly be punishable by flogging. Being rude to me makes me want to be 10 times ruder to you, just to make a point.
–That’s ok, I live to let you out, dick head!
What the fuck is that? Seriously, what the fuck is that? Whenever I see a car parked like this or parked in some retarded place I just wanna key it. I wanna scratch Wanker onto the bonnet and draw a huge cock on the side. It makes me rage because it’s another thing that is incredibly rude. When I’m driving around a busy car park looking for a space and I see three or four fucking morons parked like that I wanna just stake out the car with my trusty tyre iron till the owner comes back and teach him a lesson in how to not be an utter prick.
Ahhh…. Glad I got all that off my chest. See you on the road!